The year in review.... well kinda...

2009... what a year this has been...

Full of changes, sickness, out of country trips, camps, friends moving away, babies being born, new friendships, heartache, and happiness...

I've tried to take it all in and understand how it all fits into my life and how/who God is trying to shape me to be. (yes he's still shaping me... I'm just that stubborn) I know I may never understand it all but I'm trying...

He's allowed joy this year, and quite a bit of pain... but I'm still here... still growing and moving forward... well trying to anyway...

I'm going to have a 16yr old in less than 2 months... I don't know if I'm ready for that, but just like putting a rock on his head won't make him not grow taller, I can't keep him that little blond haired 5 yr old who couldn't wait to go see daddy on the "big boat"...

My baby girl is not a baby anymore either... she's going to be 15 next summer... wow I'm getting old...

I have 2 beautiful kids who love each other, even if they won't admit it in public, and who love their family and friends... what more can a Mom ask for...

I have a husband who still looks at me like he did when we were dating and tells me he loves me everyday more than once... He even takes me to Starbucks for dates even though he's not a big fan of "fourbucks" as he calls it...

I am blessed to work at a place where I can minister to those who are hurting, those who are looking for help for themselves or for a loved one... AND i can say "Merry Christmas" when greeting someone or answering the phone and not that happy holidays junk! hehe...

I don't know what all 2010 holds for me, but I am going to try my hardest and trust that God has plans for me, to bless me, not harm me...

He is good and all that He does is good... May your 2010 be a blessed year... even in the hard, painful times when you are not even sure you can get up out of bed... He alone will give you all you need...


Jen
Lamentations 3:25

Thanksgiving... Really???

Okay I know this year has gone fast, but is it really Thanksgiving???? Seems like it was just August and Greg & I were going to Tulsa for a wedding and celebrating 16yrs of married life. Then school was starting...

Wow what a crazy few months this has been! Gonna have to dwell on this and all that has happened... lots to share!

Happy Turkey Day!

Jen

Lamentations 3:25

why....

why.... why does it hurt so much??? I feel like I am being suffocated... like someone has taken all that I love and tore it from me... I did not think it would hurt this much... that I would feel like this... it's only gotten more painful as the last couple of days have gone by... as everyone else has left... as I pack my own kids to go... I beg God to take this pain I feel in my heart and soul away but it's just getting more and more heavy... I don't understand!

I can't even seen to explain how I feel to my own husband... I feel like a failure as a wife for not seeing the other side of not going as a week with him... but then it's not really because we both will be working...

How do you help those who I feel look at me as "crazy" when I try and explain that this is beyond something I do on Sundays and Wednesdays... That this is something I've been CALLED to do... It's part of me... like breathing...

I don't know where to go from here... Am I making the right choices? Did I miss something God was/is telling me? Am I even in His will anymore??? I hate that I have all this doubt and questions... I KNOW He called me... I KNOW He loves me... I KNOW He saved me from my sin and brought me life... I KNOW I have made a difference in the lives of the students I have been around... So why these feelings???

I'm so tired... I just want the hurt to stop and to have understanding... I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" when someone asks if somethings wrong... I'm not fine... I'm wrestling with God and it hurts like crazy... I'm not sure if anyone is winning at this point... I'm ready for a calmness in my heart and soul... I'm tired of holding back tears everywhere I go... of crying in my car, or in the bedroom with the door shut so no one sees... and then putting on my "happy" face when I come out... Why do we do that? We all hurt and struggle... why don't we just admit it?

So much is going right in my life now... it's so hard that this one thing, this one BIG thing is causing almost everything to seem wrong when it's not...

God give me peace and understanding, take away my hurt and tears...

Life...

So it's been a while since I posted anything... that is because life has been...
C R A Z Y!!!

We are now without a Manager at work. Travis has started his own gig and is doing well. We at the store feel like we are drowning at times, but I am sure it's all gonna work out. We (assistant managers and myself) are trying to keep the place running. Well mostly them & I am providing support and "what can I do to easy your work load?" help...

April was going good here at home with everyone well for once. Until, Tuesday the 14th... Ally came home with a fever of 102.9... never a good thing. It spiked to 103.7 before coming down to a reasonable 101. Went to the Dr the next day and though it was just a virus. Well by Friday we were back at the Dr getting blood drawn (which was a BAD experience and ended with her on the floor passed out) and running tests for strep, a CBC, and a MONO test. Well it ended up being MONO. Now before I go any longer, she was not kissing some boy. If you know her very well you know she has a BAD habit (which we are fixing) of drinking and eating after everyone. One of her friends had it and that is where she got it, drinking after someone. So now no soccer, Six Flags with Choir, and no Canada. That last one hurt the most. :( She was really looking forward to that.

I have had some very sleepless nights thanks to this lovely MONO virus. It can leave my house and NEVER come back thank you...

April 22nd... ahhh what a day. Our Church hosted the Phil Wickham/Charlie Hall concert. Packed house. Awesome worship. Don't have any other words... :)

April also brought the last weeks of my study on Esther. It was a wonderful 9 weeks and I can't wait to start on the next study, "Knowing God by Name". This one will be more on my own and for my own sanity as I seem to wonder and stray when I am not in full study of His word. But if anyone would like to join me let me know! No video just 7 weeks of learning about God's names and what they mean, and how it can deepen our relationship w/Him! :)

I've had some wonderful time with Greg this month. We've had some stress, but what relationship doesn't. I would worry if we got along all the time! :) Spent a couple of great evenings @ The Wedge and had "us" time. SOOOO important to do if your married w/kids. If you don't already have that time, make time and start! It's too easy to loose your relationship in the kids. You will be better for it, and your relationship will be stronger and trust me your kids will see it! (even if they don't say they do to you...)

So I guess that is all I have, nothing to deep, just my life as I see it... :)

Jen

Changes... again....

So here we go... Things are changing again...

In 9 weeks the kids will be out of school, and getting the final things together for the Canada trip and Super Summer shortly after that... In a week and a half, things at work change, and will continue to do so for a while with some leaving and new people coming in... If you know me well, I am not one who likes change... I don't like that unsettled feeling in my soul that comes with it... I think it's more the transition time I dislike the most...

Change has to happen I just like it better when it been a bit and all is as it should be... I know in the end all will be as it should be, but I like things lined out, I want to know what will happen... That is the control freak in me... I think that is why God throws things at me from left field... I think He enjoys stretching me beyond what I think I can do... And I always end up agreeing and thanking Him for the stretch...

In just a few days Greg will have been at his new job for 1 year... I can't believe it's been a year already... It seems as if it was just yesterday that we were talking and praying about this and then making the decision that this is what God has for us... It was scary and exciting all at the same time...

Now if i can make it through my baby boy getting his permit and driving I might just be able to make it through anything!

Jen :)

Session 6...

As I sat down today in Bible study I had that anticipation I get almost every time... It's that "I'm about to gain new insight on the scriptures" anticipation... Well... today was different.... It was more like an English lesson... now don't get me wrong I'll use some of what I learned in my further study of all things biblical... but I felt like we could have gone a more in depth way with chapter 6 of the book of Esther... I know it's only 14 versus, but heck some very important things happen! You see King Xerxes sleepless and after having a "bedtime story" read to him, realize that a man who saved his life was not give "proper" credit. You see a slimy ego hungry man, give his idea of how a man should be honored, and then thinking it's gonna all be done for him, CRUSHED and be told by the King to go and do this at once for Mordecai, the Jew... Then after the parade through the streets of Susa, he goes home and whines to his wife and "advisers" about it all and they are not to sympathetic, and then he's dragged of to his soon to be un-doing that he doesn't even see coming... See there is sooooo much to tear apart and dig into! Don't get me wrong, I can do the digging, but it's so nice to see I'm understanding it all! Oh well, lets see what week 7 and chapter 7 will bring...

Jen

Banquet day...

So it's Banquet Day for those at the middle school... for some it's just a big party to go to and hang out with friends. Others it a chance to dress up and, well hang out with friends. For my child it's the latter. She has tried on 5 or 6 dresses, brought 2 home from a friend, and then tried on 4 or so more and ended up with a new one (which is very cute btw). So today Ally & I are going and getting her hair cut, then to a friends to borrow a jacket to go with the dress so it passes dress code, then to find the "right" color of nail polish, then home to fix her hair, do her nails, and apply make up just so...

I say all of this just because I had hoped for 1 more year of "little Ally"... but the time has come... she's now "teen Ally"... with all the joys and heartache that comes with it... She will look beautiful and I'm sure I'll wipe a tear or two... just not in front of her... it's her day to shine... Still I wonder how Daddy will react to it all after we drop her off... :)

So what to start with...

Well how bout my family... That's them up there...

Greg... where to start... he's the love of my life and i would be lost with out him... He's been there when I needed him most and even when I'm sure he'd rather be somewhere else... He's a wonderful dad and husband... We married very young and made it through 6 yrs of Naval deployments of being apart for months at a time while we should have been having fun in our "newley wed" stage... He's my anchor who keeps me grounded!

Kyle... My first born... He's almost a foot taller than me but he will always be that little one I took home from the hospital 15 yrs ago... He loves to run... He makes it look soooo easy... and if I could have his abs I would be a happy woman! He has a wonderful heart for his friends and family... even if he doesn't want us to know most of the time! it's hard to believe that in 3 and a half yrs he will graduate and move on to College... he has a heart for God and is growing closer to Him daily... what a joy that is to watch!

Allyson... aka Ally, Allyboo, Brat, hey you!... She is my sweet little girl on the way to being all grown up... Her friends mean the world to her and God is the center of her life... She loves animals of all kinds and I can't figure out if she'll be a teacher, nurse, or vet... time will tell... and it will also tell us if she will get any taller! not looking so hopeful at this point... It's such a joy to sit back and watch her "minister" to her friends... what a heart she has! It's growing closer to Him each day...

Me... well I'm and only, child who married an only child, and both of our dads are only children... and we had 2 kids... go figure! I love my God who saved me and shows me mercy each and every day!

So that's a fairly good start... we'll see what the next one brings!

"The lord is good to those who seek Him, to the soul who seeks Him"
Lamentations 3:25

Here we go...

Okay so I did the Xanga thing for a while, but that kinda died off... Soooo lets try this. I truly enjoy reading about my friends lives so why not share mine!

Time to pick up a kid so i'll come back to this later and share some "deep thoughts" of mine... :)

Jenhomemom