why....

why.... why does it hurt so much??? I feel like I am being suffocated... like someone has taken all that I love and tore it from me... I did not think it would hurt this much... that I would feel like this... it's only gotten more painful as the last couple of days have gone by... as everyone else has left... as I pack my own kids to go... I beg God to take this pain I feel in my heart and soul away but it's just getting more and more heavy... I don't understand!

I can't even seen to explain how I feel to my own husband... I feel like a failure as a wife for not seeing the other side of not going as a week with him... but then it's not really because we both will be working...

How do you help those who I feel look at me as "crazy" when I try and explain that this is beyond something I do on Sundays and Wednesdays... That this is something I've been CALLED to do... It's part of me... like breathing...

I don't know where to go from here... Am I making the right choices? Did I miss something God was/is telling me? Am I even in His will anymore??? I hate that I have all this doubt and questions... I KNOW He called me... I KNOW He loves me... I KNOW He saved me from my sin and brought me life... I KNOW I have made a difference in the lives of the students I have been around... So why these feelings???

I'm so tired... I just want the hurt to stop and to have understanding... I'm tired of saying "I'm fine" when someone asks if somethings wrong... I'm not fine... I'm wrestling with God and it hurts like crazy... I'm not sure if anyone is winning at this point... I'm ready for a calmness in my heart and soul... I'm tired of holding back tears everywhere I go... of crying in my car, or in the bedroom with the door shut so no one sees... and then putting on my "happy" face when I come out... Why do we do that? We all hurt and struggle... why don't we just admit it?

So much is going right in my life now... it's so hard that this one thing, this one BIG thing is causing almost everything to seem wrong when it's not...

God give me peace and understanding, take away my hurt and tears...